Happy 1st Birthday Auggie and LJ!!

Dear August,


Happy birthday to my sweet, busy little girl!  I can't explain how fast this year has gone by.  I can not believe how big you are!  You are ALL over the place.  So busy trying to walk, cruising all over the house...usually at Loralye's expense.  Most days, you are using a chair, or Veda's little table as a walker...running your sister over on a regular basis.  I knew even during my pregnancy that you were a much more dominant personality than your relaxed, quiet little sister.  You are also a big fan of stealing LJ's bottles, tackling her and grabbing her little chubby face.  Every time we tell you "no no" and do the sign language, you just chuckle at us with that belly laugh...in other words saying "haha...yeah right...I am way too cute for that!"  You are slowly trying to walk, but you stand and think about it, giggle and then sit back down.  But, it certainly won't be long!!  You are always so busy, rushing along to the next milestone.  And you typically spend a good amount of "nap time" in your crib, practicing your new talents. 

As you have grown, the entire family has noticed something VERY special about you.  When you and your sister were first born, LJ looked so much like your Uncle Siwwy to us.  But, as you both have grown over the past year, you have become his spitting image!  It is absolutely crazy how much you look like him.  Sometimes, I just sit and stare at you because its just like he is looking right back at me.  It is such a comfort and its something so special that only you have.  There are many times you give me that mean mug look and all i can do is giggle and say "okay auggie, quit giving me that James face!"  And you seem to mimic his personality as well...you challenge me daily!  You are my more stubborn child, and you do what you want, when you want...much like your big sissy Veda! 

You have been such a blessing to your daddy and I.  You constantly keep us laughing and on our toes.  The O'Neill house would be much too quiet without your wild personality in the house.  I am so thankful for you and all of the joy you have brought to me over the past year.  I can not wait to see where your funny little ways will take us over the next year!  I love you so much sugar bear!



Dear Loralye,
Happy Birthday my rosy-cheeked little girl!  I can't believe how far you have come in the past year.  Your delivery and the first 2 weeks of your life were tough on all of us!  A horrible birth experience, with a broken collar bone and re-hospitalization because of jaundice.  For the first 3 weeks, we could tell you and your sister apart because you were completely bruised from the neck down.  :(  I felt so awful for you...and guilt over the fact that I was the one who chose that delivery for you, without knowing it would have been that bad.  I have to admit, I tend to baby you more than your other sisters, because I feel like you are so fragile.  You tend to get a few more cuddles from me, mostly because you are EXTRA cuddly, but also because you are my tender-hearted, sweet little baby.  While August is so much like your big sissy, you are quite the opposite.  You are so laid back and quiet.  And you let the girls poke at you and sometimes literally walk all over you.  And rather than fight back, you usually come crawling to me crying because Auggie has, once again, stolen your bottle.  You love to just sit and cuddle more than anything...and I love it!  You have the best little cuddles and the most kissable little cheeks!!  While Auggie would much rather be crawling all over the house, biting fingers and yelling babbles from her crib, you would prefer to sit and cuddle quietly...or sleep through sissy's babbles. 

You have always been a little bit behind August when it comes to physical milestones, but that's just another thing that makes you special.  You take your time, worry mommy to death and then all of a sudden, you just catch up and its like you never got behind!  Right now you are standing and trying to walk, just like Auggie...and you are getting very good at it...very quickly!  I have to say, my favorite thing about you physically is that little gap between your 2 front teeth.  It is SO CUTE!!!  Every time you giggle, I have to giggle back because of that sweet little gap...just like your daddy's! 

While you are the baby of the family, I have a feeling you are going to be the most mature of all the girls.  You are so smart, and I think your relaxed little personality will give you plenty of time to take in the world around you and learn a lot.  Daddy and I talk about your sweet little personality all the time.  We are so thankful to finally have a calm one in the family!  I am looking forward to watching you grow, and just sitting on the couch with you while we just giggle and shake our heads at your crazy sisters!  I love you sweet cheeks.


I love both of you girls so much!  I always had my life planned out a certain way, and I never even considered the possibility of having twins!  But, I am SO SO BLESSED that God decided differently.  My life would be incomplete without both of you.  You have helped mommy through a tough year and you have continued to teach me what love is all about and how important every single moment is.  I cherish and thank God for every breath you take.  You are amazing girls and I hope that both of you and your big sissy grow up to be the best of friends.  I would say I can't wait to watch you grow up, but I can.  I really CAN wait!  This year has gone by so fast, and my biggest prayer is just that time can slow down and I can really soak in every aspect of your lives.  Happy birthday girls!  Mommy loves you. 

jack and jill went up the hill

part 1

                                      




                                                                        part 2

     

missing louise...

26

Dear siwwy,

I hope God tells you everything that is on my heart today, so you know how I feel and how much I am needing you today.  Let me start by saying that I am so thankful for another birthday.  So thankful to wake up to 3 beautiful girls and to feel like my life is meaningful every day because they are in it.  You taught me to feel this way...thankful.  Never again will I take the small things for granted...every breath is a blessing.  So, although I am thankful for my 26th year, I can't help but to be heart broken today. 

26 is a hard pill to swallow.  I have so many emotions that go along with this birthday.  Sadness, bitterness, guilt, anger, helplessness, and of course some happiness.  26 was your last birthday...a birthday spent in the hospital.  A birthday no doubt spent in pain and fatigue and questions of survival.  How unfair is that?  I know you would disagree with me, and you would be strong and say it was no big deal.  But, this is where my guilt comes in.  It's hard for me to "celebrate" 26.  I feel like you should be here with me...you should have celebrated 27 less than 2 weeks ago.  I so badly want you here with me...we all do.  I wish I could change things...go back and maybe we could have caught it earlier.  I know right now you would totally yell at me and tell me to be thankful and enjoy this birthday.  But, I can't help but to be bitter about it.  I feel wrong celebrating 26 when you deserved to greet your 26th with an amazingly HUGE celebration.  No doubt you got that huge celebration just a little over a month later.  And I am thankful for that and I am still finding peace in that. 

I feel like I am rambling and you would have already shut me up by now if you were here.  I just have all these emotions in my heart today and I have spent most of this weekend breaking down and then trying to suck it up.  I just wish I had you here today.  I miss you more than anyone can understand.  But, I am going to be thankful for the blessing of another birthday.  Even though 26 has become this awfully painful number to me, I will cherish it just like you did.  Through all the tears and heart ache that I will experience this birthday, I will cherish 26...and remember the 26 we had with you on this earth.  If I am blessed with another 26 years after this one, I will still never have the impact you had in half the time.  You changed so many lives for the better.  And that is why I love you. 

I hope you get all of this, because even though I am having a pity party today, I just need you to know that I love you and miss you.  And I would give anything to have you by my side...here at 26.

things I love today

Fall weather!

Shane's hoodie

Ben & jerry's

Veda FINALLY sleeping peacefully in her own bed

Peace and quiet

August and Loralye's 6 little teeth...yes they both have 6 teeth (not even fussy)

Spending the day with my goose (fayth)

Mama's fun birthday celebration

The feeling of peace God is giving me during a time when siwwy is always on my mind

My new tattoo (even though mama and daddy are not big fans)

And the sight of shane's face on Skype   :)

new ink!

I wanted a new tattoo to recognize my brother's birthday this year.  I wanted something that I could always look at and it would remind me of the amazing person he was.  I went through a ton of songs that he liked, ones that we listened to together and then some that just reminded me of him.  I finally came across the most amazing song and it really fit perfectly.  The tattoo is still really hard to read because its still swollen and peeling some.  But, after hours of having my collar bone drilled on, I couldn't be more pleased with the way it came out.  It hurt REALLY REALLY bad...way worse than my other ones.  But, I kept reminding myself...this is nothing compared to everything James went through!  I made the flowers Orange to represent leukemia awareness.  I hope you all like it.  And if you are not a believer in tattoos, I hope you can appreciate the importance of such a beautiful piece of artwork. 

                                                  "When my soul has finally flown
                                                The moment I am welcomed home
                                          The first song that I will sing is hallelujah"
                                                                -tyrone wells-

happy birthday siwwy!

Growing a green thumb...part 2

So, after months of waiting and babying veda's special plant.  And after tons of rain thay God sent especially for her flowers to grow (that has coincidentally flooded my back yard, making for muddy dogs, and muddy paw prints across my house)-- we finally have blooms!  And a very excited Veda!

The roller coaster of 2010

So, today I opened my journal to jot down a to-do list and I found a journal entry from last year. It was full of excitement, sadness, fear and anticipation. And it really brought me back to a place in my life where I had beautiful lives growing inside of me, but another life fighting to stay with us. I hope you all don't mind another public therapy session and the extreme spectrum of emotions I'm about to share with you.


September 15, 2010
I have been meaning to start journaling a lot more lately and today just happens to be the kick start.  One of those rare days when I have the time and energy to actually sit and put my thoughts on paper.
Today has been a wonderful day. Veda and I had a great morning. We went to story time at the library and she seemed to really enjoy it.  She was shy and she sucked her thumb the entire time! I'm sure if all of her friends had been there she would have been her normal, wild, uncontrollable self!

After the library, we went to see my OB. I am 25 weeks pregnant with TWO very special little girls! My pregnancy has gone pretty good so far. Both of the girls are perfectly healthy , which is not like my pregnancy with Veda. This has been my sickest pregnancy, but I have been feeling great the past 2 months.  Lots of energy and lots of scary (but not serious) contractions! I couldn't he more excited about adding two more little girls to the O'Neill family.  But, I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death some days.  The idea of a toddler and two newborns is really overwhelming.  I just hope that I am capable of being the mother that God expects me to be.  I am also nervous for Veda.  I love her so much and I don't want her to feel left out.  Right now we spend every waking moment together. I don't ever want her to feel like she's on the back burner.  But, I think she will be very excited about her baby sisters.  She went to an ultrasound with me yesterday for the first time. She was SO quiet the whole time. And then, we saw Loralye's face and Veda yelled "I find you!!!"  It was the cutest thing!  Today was a checkup for a stupid pregnancy rash.  I swear I have had every possible pregnancy symptom this time around! But, I suppose it is a small price to pay. 
The rest of our afternoon was spent with shane.  A quick lunch out and then...nap time!  I LOVE nap time...peace and quiet!  That's the reason why I actually have time to journal right now. 

Things have been great with shane lately.  He is a wonderful husband and he is so helpful when I'm struggling, but too stubborn to ask for help.  I feel like we have a great marriage.  It has been 5 years and we have definitely had our rough patches.  Less committed couples would have jumped ship 4 years ago!  But, despite all of the past struggles, I can't complain.  He is a wonderful hubby and an award worthy father.  he makes me very happy...and a little crazy sometimes. But, I suppose that is a normal side-effect of marriage. 

As of yesterday, James was re-admitted to wake forest hospital.  He will be starting another clinical trial on Monday.  His leukemia cells have been doubling by the day, but he's still feeling okay as of right now.  The past almost 18 months have been really hard on all of us.  There have been a few ups and many, many downs. But, James' strength has never faltered.  Obviously I give God and the doctors so much credit for how far he has come, but James deserves the most credit.  He has such a strong will to live and he refuses to give up.  He came very close to death about 2 months ago.  I felt like I had prepared myself for that moment, but I don't think I'll ever be prepared.  It's hard to imagine him fighting so hard, just to be taken away from us.  I pray for him throughout my day, but I'm ashamed to say I try not to sit and just let go in prayer.  I do everything I can to avoid the breakdown.  I have cried and begged God so much over the past 16 months and I feel like its not getting us anywhere.  I try not to ever sit still and just dwell on James.  I know that seems awful, but my heart just breaks for him daily.  I hate this helpless feeling.  His life hasn't been anywhere close to normal in over a year and I know that he is so, so tired!  I can't imagine what he must feel like, but I would take it all if I could.  I just don't think its fair that he is the one that has to go through all of this.  If he ever decided that he didn't want to fight anymore, I couldn't blame him.  I would be heart broken, but I couldn't blame him for wanting all.of this to be over.  As of right now, we are all just praying and gritting our teeth.  Just waiting helplessly for this clinical trial--or something...ANYTHING to work and.put him in remission.  The next 20 years still.wouldn't be enough time with him.  I want all three of my girls to be able to meet him and grow up with him in their lives. 

As for today, I am just thankful for every day and every breath.  I'm thankful for my beautiful little Veda, who is always the highlight of my day.  I'm thankful for my husband, who works so hard to take care of us.  And I'm thankful that through the storm, God is still taking care of my family. 
Looking forward to brighter days!
------------

everyday blessings

I recently picked up a book for Veda.  Even though she has hundreds of books, she always gets excited about something new to read.  It is our special time every night, to lay in bed and read at least two books.  The other day I picked up "Everyday Blessings" by Tracey A. George.  What a beautiful book!  As Veda and I laid in bed reading, I couldnt help but think of how much this little children's book applied to mine and Shane's life and how I really feel about my kids.  I would try and tell you that I didn't tear up, but you would know Im lying.  I mean, lets be serious...its me!  I cry about everything! 

So, I thought I would share this book with all of you.  I definitely suggest picking it up for your kiddos!  What a wonderful way to tell your kids how much you love them. 



               Before God had blessed me with you,

   I used to feel there were so many things I had to do!

       Running around frantically just to get things done,
               not allowing myself to have any fun.

Picking up messes before I would stop and sit

just to enjoy the change in scenery even for a little bit.

Since you've arrived I've learned to look around,

                                            Not to hurry so much,
                    to take my time and slow down.

Because...someday I will miss the floors full of toys,

 

                  The laughs, the cries, and all of the noise.

                  The food thrown all over your face,

The dirt you grabbed and then you ate.

Trips to the park and all the fun rides --

                 horses, merry-go-rounds, swings and slides.

                    Crayons, markers, finger paints, chalk,

              Rides in the wagon around the block.

               Discovering insects for the first time --
             Ladybugs, bees and butterflies,

                 The faces you made when you would sniff,
          the flowers you found and then you picked.

                              The castles we built in the sand

                  And all the prints left with your little hands.

                 The times you rested your head on my chest,

                    just to sit and snuggle while you took a rest.

            You've taught me to stop and enjoy everything,

          Each and every moment and all that life brings.

          Because messes clean up and tears fade away,

           But you can never go back and relive today.

I thank you baby for showing me all of this,

For without you, imagine what I would miss!