26

Dear siwwy,

I hope God tells you everything that is on my heart today, so you know how I feel and how much I am needing you today.  Let me start by saying that I am so thankful for another birthday.  So thankful to wake up to 3 beautiful girls and to feel like my life is meaningful every day because they are in it.  You taught me to feel this way...thankful.  Never again will I take the small things for granted...every breath is a blessing.  So, although I am thankful for my 26th year, I can't help but to be heart broken today. 

26 is a hard pill to swallow.  I have so many emotions that go along with this birthday.  Sadness, bitterness, guilt, anger, helplessness, and of course some happiness.  26 was your last birthday...a birthday spent in the hospital.  A birthday no doubt spent in pain and fatigue and questions of survival.  How unfair is that?  I know you would disagree with me, and you would be strong and say it was no big deal.  But, this is where my guilt comes in.  It's hard for me to "celebrate" 26.  I feel like you should be here with me...you should have celebrated 27 less than 2 weeks ago.  I so badly want you here with me...we all do.  I wish I could change things...go back and maybe we could have caught it earlier.  I know right now you would totally yell at me and tell me to be thankful and enjoy this birthday.  But, I can't help but to be bitter about it.  I feel wrong celebrating 26 when you deserved to greet your 26th with an amazingly HUGE celebration.  No doubt you got that huge celebration just a little over a month later.  And I am thankful for that and I am still finding peace in that. 

I feel like I am rambling and you would have already shut me up by now if you were here.  I just have all these emotions in my heart today and I have spent most of this weekend breaking down and then trying to suck it up.  I just wish I had you here today.  I miss you more than anyone can understand.  But, I am going to be thankful for the blessing of another birthday.  Even though 26 has become this awfully painful number to me, I will cherish it just like you did.  Through all the tears and heart ache that I will experience this birthday, I will cherish 26...and remember the 26 we had with you on this earth.  If I am blessed with another 26 years after this one, I will still never have the impact you had in half the time.  You changed so many lives for the better.  And that is why I love you. 

I hope you get all of this, because even though I am having a pity party today, I just need you to know that I love you and miss you.  And I would give anything to have you by my side...here at 26.

things I love today

Fall weather!

Shane's hoodie

Ben & jerry's

Veda FINALLY sleeping peacefully in her own bed

Peace and quiet

August and Loralye's 6 little teeth...yes they both have 6 teeth (not even fussy)

Spending the day with my goose (fayth)

Mama's fun birthday celebration

The feeling of peace God is giving me during a time when siwwy is always on my mind

My new tattoo (even though mama and daddy are not big fans)

And the sight of shane's face on Skype   :)

new ink!

I wanted a new tattoo to recognize my brother's birthday this year.  I wanted something that I could always look at and it would remind me of the amazing person he was.  I went through a ton of songs that he liked, ones that we listened to together and then some that just reminded me of him.  I finally came across the most amazing song and it really fit perfectly.  The tattoo is still really hard to read because its still swollen and peeling some.  But, after hours of having my collar bone drilled on, I couldn't be more pleased with the way it came out.  It hurt REALLY REALLY bad...way worse than my other ones.  But, I kept reminding myself...this is nothing compared to everything James went through!  I made the flowers Orange to represent leukemia awareness.  I hope you all like it.  And if you are not a believer in tattoos, I hope you can appreciate the importance of such a beautiful piece of artwork. 

                                                  "When my soul has finally flown
                                                The moment I am welcomed home
                                          The first song that I will sing is hallelujah"
                                                                -tyrone wells-