what i would have said...

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

-mercy me-

Today I was journaling about guilt and the hurt of not being able to get the "perfect goodbye" I would have wanted with James.  So, I decided to create the goodbye I would have wanted and put on paper what I would have said if I had had the chance.  After finishing my entry, I felt the need to share.  So, once again...I hope you all don't mind a public therapy session.


"I love you so much. And I'm sorry that this happened to you...I would have taken it all if I could. I wish I could trade places with you. But, even after all you have gone through...you're the lucky one. You get to be with Jesus soon and you don't have to live in this awful world anymore. You don't have to see all of these people wasting their lives on the streets while you work to protect them. You won't have to feel heart ache anymore or know what it's like to worry. And you won't have to wonder how we're all doing, because God will show you. You'll be able to see that we'll never be the same without you, but that you have changed our lives forever. You'll get to see your 2 brand new nieces before I do, and you'll take joy in the fact that one of them looks JUST LIKE YOU. And, she prods and teases me just like you always have. And you'll get to listen to Veda talk about you and say that she misses Uncle Siwwy, or that she wants to go to your house and see you. And, you'll be getting even more finger paintings from her, except this time, we'll be sending them to you attached to balloons. You'll get to see all 3 of your nieces grow up and know you as if they had spent every day with you. Because, even though we only got you for a short time, you were an incredible, loving and doting uncle. And I promise, I promise...I will teach them about that side of you. They will know that if we were to all leave and they had nobody, they would always have this amazing Uncle who loved them so much and would have given up everything for them. The babies will know that you fought so hard and all you ever wanted to do was make it long enough to meet them. I'll show them pictures of you and tell them funny stories about when we were kids. And I'll remind Veda about all of the fun things she did with you and how you came to the hospital when she was first born and loved her immediately, and cuddled her like she was your very own. I promise, there will be people who will never get the chance to meet you, and by talking to me, they will realize they missed out on meeting this beautiful, strong person. I promise to give you that. I promise to never forget. I promise to remember every small thing you gave me. God will show you all of the hearts you've changed because you have been so faithful through it all. You've praised Him in the storms of your life. And you have never faltered. God will show you the faces of all those people you changed, just by being strong spiritually and facing your storm head on. And you will get to see everyone rally in your memory every year at relay for life, because you will always be on everyone's heart. You deserve every bit of joy you brought to so many people. And for those people that never got the chance to tell you, God will show you how much they truly loved and cared for you. So, even though this is the end of this side of life, you have so much to look forward to. And God is going to give it all to you. You're about to be pain free...you're about to be cancer free. And its such a beautiful thing. We've prayed for these things for so long. And even though I want you here with me, I want even more for you to just be happy. And you're about to be the happiest you've ever been. And we will all be okay. It will hurt, but we'll be okay. We know you're not giving up and we know you've done everything you can do. And you've fought through so much more than the rest of us could have. And that's why when I have hard days, I'll never complain...because I know that you've had much harder days. I just want you to know that you're EVERYTHING to me. You are all I've ever had. And you've always been there when I've needed you...my entire life. I'll never forget even the smallest moments with you. The days on the lake, that funny night in wilmington, you putting work on hold to let me cry on your shoulder because of a breakup, staying at your old apartment to escape from mama and daddy, playing with my ken dolls while i played with barbies, jumping off the second floor balcony and breaking the couch, being with you in the jeep and listening to music and talking about what it meant to you and how that one song had changed so much for you, you always telling me to keep a positive attitude. There are so many things...so many reasons I love you and have always needed you. I promise I will never forget. After I find my new normal, I promise to look back on all these things and smile. And I promise to tell people these stories. And I promise to remind daddy what a pain in the ass we used to be. Because, I know that will bring a smile to his face. Thank you for being everything to me, and thank you for taking care of me even when I didn't deserve it. I love you so much, and even though I wish I had been the one with cancer and not you...I really envy you now. Because, you're about to see the most beautiful face you've ever seen...and He will be all you imagined He would be. And I know He'll hold on to you for me until I get there. And even though it's only been 26 years, you've made it an amazing 26 years...and I guess if anybody deserves to see the face of God in such a short time, it definitely would be you. I won't say goodbye, but I will say I'll see you soon. Because when you're gone,no matter how long I have to wait...it will be worth the wait. Once I can get my arms around you again...it will have been worth the wait. And it will have been worth the pain. So, for now I'm crying for me because I don't want to go on without you. But, I'll celebrate for you, because you are about to be in such a better place and you'll finally be free of cancer. I love you so much...we all do. And I promise you, the only thing that will be missing is your physical body. Because, we will carry you with us every day. I love you so much siwwy. And I'm gonna miss you every day. But, you did everything you could and now God needs you with Him. Thank you for being the most amazing brother I could have asked for. I'll never stop loving you and I'll see you soon."

its been too long

So, I know I haven't posted in FOREVER it seems like.  I've tried to post here and there, but I have ultimately failed at keeping family updated on the day to day that is the O'Neill circus.  The past few months have been incredibly busy...to the point that we are now processing how to slow things down just a bit.  I won't get into a big post about all of the happenings lately...instead I will just give you a list of the big events of our lives in the past few months, followed by a slideshow featuring none other than the O'Neill beauties.  :)

- We had an amazing (and suprisingly smooth) trip to Georgia, where we saw Uncle Ry Ry and Aunt Sheena get married.  Veda was the flower girl, too shy to walk down the isle.

-We saw 2 surgeries in one week.  My surgery on a monday, which was way more brutal than I expected, and then LJ had tubes put in that wednesday.  Please don't ask me how Shane survived it...I'm sure he's forever damaged. 

-We celebrated another Easter with our sweet girls.  The babies had their first Easter egg hunt and Veda finally warmed up/fell in love with the Easter bunny.

-Veda rode a horse for the first time.  The first time, mommy had to be included, but the second time she hopped on a pony all by herself.  And now...we are having a horse themed birthday party!

-We had a wonderful visit from my sister Megan and her circus.  We had a lot of fun, and Veda enjoyed spending every waking moment with Kadence and Maddie.  We miss them like crazy, but that 1 week was what we all had needed for quite some time. 

-We participated in Relay for Life again this year.  The second year without my brother.  It was emotional and yet comforting.  I got on the back of a harley (against shane's better judgement...im a bad listener) and participated in his memorial ride.  It was a blast, and I plan to do it again next year. 

-I have registered, trained and dedicated almost all of my free time to participating in a triathalon in September.  I'll be training and competing with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training.  So far, the training has been great.  I'm enjoying it, and every donation I get towards research just motivates me even more.  It has and will continue to be challenging.  I'm looking forward to crossing the finish line in September (a week before James' birthday) knowing that I raised money for people who are facing the same things James faced.  (Thanks to Louise who picks up all of my slack at night with the kiddos while i work out for hours.  You're amazing and I couldn't do it without you.)

-My sweet little (but bigger) brother, Chase turned 18 in May.  Yes, I got a little misty eyed.  I changed his diapers.  So, I feel old, and I feel proud of the young man he is.  He's dedicated to his goals and he's got his head screwed on straight.  And now that he has a truck, he pops by whenever he wants...a breath of fresh air.  I love him so much. 

-We celebrated a wonderful mother's day.  Always one of my favorite days.  And I was able to give my mom and nana a very special gift in rememberance of James that we all can share.  Everything about the day was special...as always.

-Shane and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary in May also, and 7 years of being together as of June 3rd.  It's been one heck of a ride.  It's amazing how much we have changed as a couple since that first year together.  I'm thankful for the changes, and the challenges that have brought us here.  Our biggest problem:  we don't have enough time for each other!  But, we've been fortunate (thanks to all the grandparents) to have 2 romantic get aways to the beach.  Even if all we do is sleep, eat and talk...its so nice to get away with just him. 

-Shane has been studying for months and just tested for staff.  Fingers crossed that he makes the list!  I have faith that he did though...even if he disagrees with me.  He worries too much.

I think that pretty much catches everyone up.  I'm sure there are things that I've missed.  Every day flies by faster than the one before, and we find ourselves trying to hold on to the sweetest moments with our girls.  They are funny and wild and full of...birth control techniques.  :)  One day with our girls, and I think most people are refusing children.  But for us, its a normal and wild day.  And eventually, the screaming and squeals don't seem as loud as they used to be...maybe we are just slowly losing our hearing.  But, not a day passes that I don't have to just sit there and giggle and think of how blessed i am because, THIS is my life.  :)

one year, six months

So, yesterday was just a normal night in the O'Neill house.  Trying to get a sneaky little 3 year old to bed while she's doing everything she can to stall.  It can be a little bit...er...unpleasant for a mother most nights.  This night, it was another potty stop before bed, which usually takes at least 10 minutes...pee or no pee, we're still looking at a 10 minute stint on the potty.  So, in my impatience and exasperation, I just sat on the floor with a huff.  And that's when a beautiful dialogue began. 

Veda, pointing at my shoulder:  "Mama, are you gonna wash your tattoo off before you go to bed?"

me:  "No baby, it never comes off.  It will be there forever and ever!  Scratch it real hard and see."

She scratches...too hard.  I cringe.  She giggles. 

Veda:  "How come it doesn't come off?"

me:  "Because I want it to be there forever and ever!"

Veda:  "Is that your Siwwy tattoo?"

me:  "Yep, it's my tattoo for Siwwy."

Veda:  "Why don't you want it to come off?"

me:  "Because I want to be able to look at it every day and think of Uncle Siwwy.  It makes mommy happy."

At this point, I am barely stifling the tears, but I am managing until...

Veda:  "Mama, does it bweak your heart??"

Aaaaaand, the flood gates open!! 

me:  "Yes baby, it does break my heart.  But, that's okay.  It's just because I miss him.  But, that's why I got the tattoo.  It makes mama feel better"

Veda:  "I'm sowwy mama.  I wike your Siwwy tattoo."

And then a sweet kiss from my sweet girl.  :)



It's amazing the things that come out of her mouth and how much she understands.  I don't think I have ever even spoken to her about a broken heart, but she picked it up somewhere, and she knew exactly what it meant.  And while I sat and cried because I missed my brother, I cried more because it was just another one of those moments when I was reminded that despite the every day frustrations, my little girl has the most beautiful little heart.  And she knows exactly what to say exactly when I need it.  Just so happens, I had spent most of the day dwelling on the fact that it has been a year and a half. And I had already met someone earlier that day who knew my brother and never knew me, and did something so beautiful for me that brought me to tears.  God knows when I avoid the grieving, and avoid the thought of someone I love so much.  And then, He literally puts the thoughts right in my face so that I can no longer avoid them.  I am amazed daily.  And I hate to brag, but I am so blessed with my amazing little Veda.  At her age, she really has no idea how much her words can impact someone.  But last night...in the middle of potty time...she just so happened to mend a part of my broken heart. 

things i love today...

a successful surgery for LJ, and being greeted by her sweet smile in recovery!

the end of the awful "ear infection era".

snickers ice cream bars, and ben & jerry's...any ice cream, really.

a good day without an extreme amount of pain...even though im still confined to sitting on my rear all day.  :(

my amazing hubby and how awesome he is.  taking such good care of me and all 3 girls without a hitch!  i am so blessed to have him...and i cant blame him if he's eager to go back to work (but he would never say that out loud!)   :)

Everybody who has stepped up and helped us out...babysitting, cooking, visiting or just giving an extra hand when its needed.  You know who you are and I absolutely LOVE all of you!

Auggie's silly little walk where she shrugs her shoulders and swings her arms around and grunts/yells throughout the house.

After apologizing to Veda for putting a pillow between us in bed so she doesnt accidentally kick me, she says "mama...its okay!"  as if it was silly that I even mentioned it. 

The long awaited visit from our dear Justin since he returned from the desert.  Took long enough!! 

And finally, the way God has blessed us and brought us through a seemingly impossible week...and it almost felt easy! 

As always...so blessed, and even more thankful.  :)

the emotional end of a beautiful era...

With so much going on lately, I've hardly had time to blog.  And in all honesty...I have had one thing I've wanted to blog about, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  The sole purpose of this blog is to get the bad things off my chest, and the good things into someone else's heart.  I want my family to be connected to what goes on in this house as much as we are.  That being said, this is one post which has the sole purpose of getting something bad off my chest, but I hope by the end, it will have put something good in someone's heart. 

It has been over a year since August and Loralye were born.  What a blessing...and what amazing babies!  They are so smiley, and I swear they hardly give us any stress.  I am sure that will change one day, but for now, I am basking in the blessing of the coolest babies ever.  But, in this last year I have dealt with health issues caused by my twin pregnancy.  I have been blessed to be able to conceive easily and to carry and birth babies without complications...I realize that a lot of women don't have it so easy.  So, I daily remind myself that I am a very lucky woman...and I have 3 beautiful children.  But, in so many words...carrying the twins pretty much jacked me up.  I've been in pain for a year now.  Usually dull, but there are days when it hurts to just move.  I have had ultrasounds, seen 3 different doctors, and at this point, I still dont have any conclusion on exactly what it is that I have.  The only thing that any doctor can agree on is surgery...the mommy parts have got to come out.  We have tried every option to avoid this up until this point with no success.  So, with seeing a specialist last week...we finally made the decision.  I decided I don't want to be in pain anymore, and honestly i don't have TIME to be in pain! 

So, here we are at this HUGE decision in life...a histerectomy.  Just the sound of that word is hurtful.  I'm only 26.  Granted, Shane and I have always said no more children.  But, a mother can't help but wonder...what if something were to happen to one of my girls?  What if the only thing that would keep me going is another baby to love and hold?  Obviously, you can never replace your children, but I believe sometimes parents need that to move on after a tragedy.  I am not expecting a tragedy...I whole heartedly trust that God is taking full care of my girls.  But, you never expect the unexpected.  (This is the irrational, freaking out mommy side of me...can't you tell??)  So, leaving Chapel Hill the other day, I had a reaction that I kind of thought would come, but I had already decided I wouldnt allow it.  No breakdowns...this is what has to be done...I can't live in pain.  Well, obviously my strong will didn't succeed...we no sooner got outside that I just burst into tears.  Its one thing to make the decision to not have anymore kids, its another thing for your body to make that decision for you.  Again, for all those women out there who cant have kids and want to punch  me right now...I know that I am so blessed.  I just feel as though I am now grieving such a beautiful time in my life. 

Post surgery, this will be the end of that beautiful time in every mom's life.  Being so pregnant you cant see your feet, paint your toes or shave properly.  Feeling all those sweet little kicks and flips, that are sometimes painful but sweet nonetheless.  The anxiety over getting everything perfect before the baby comes.  Decorating a nursery to perfection, knowing that within a year it will be ruined.  The anticipation of when your baby is finally going to make her enterance..."Please let it be today!  I'm so tired.  But wait...I'm too tired to give birth right now.  Please let it be tomorrow!"  And then there's labor, an awful yet beautiful experience.  Home stretch...get through the pain and finally see your baby!  The excitement with every centimeter and the support of your own personal cheerleading squad...including an amazing nurse.  And then finally...the most beautiful moment...holding your baby for the first time.  What a feeling!  I dont care if you have the ugliest child on earth...in that second...that baby is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen!  And the calmness they get as soon as you talk to them.  They've been ripped from this safe little world into cold and bright lights (screaming the whole way out) and then as soon as you talk...that beautiful calmness sets over them and you find yourself so proud to be a mother.  They trust that voice immediately. 

These are all of the things that I cherished with my girls and these are all of the things I will miss.  Such beautiful moments that turn into memories.  I am not bitter about any of this...I mean, I wouldnt have this health condition if I had never been pregnant with the girls.  So, it is somewhat of a blessing.  I am just grieving the face that December 13, 2010 was officially the last time I will have been blessed with all these amazing things.  As for now, I am enjoying every moment with my girls and thanking God that He entrusted them to me. 

So, with surgery coming soon, please keep me in your prayers that things will go great with no complications...and it will fix the problem!  As for me...I will still grieve for a short time...and then I will just thrive on the memories on three of the most beautiful times in my life. 

things i love today, and yesterday, and the day before

So, Shane and I have had a beautiful vacation! It has been just what we needed, and although we miss the girls terribly, it has been so nice to relax and reconnect without the thoughts of diapers, bottles, pacis, car seats, strollers, cranky 3 year olds and just all of the logistics of raising our babies. Knowing they are safe and happy with family is a blessing and a huge stress relief. When Shane and I lived in wilmington, we of course were very poor and couldn't afford to do much. But we always loved walking downtown and window shopping and just enjoying the river walk. During this vacation, we decided to stay in the glamorous Hilton, which I will say we are not very impressed with. You pay A LOT for a room, then you have to pay for parking!@! And an extremely overpriced breakfast!!! Other than that, we were definitely impressed with everything else. So, below is a list of things I absolutely loved on our romantic get away.


Quiet time with Louise.

Le Catalan French restaurant...small, quiet, romantic, fairly priced, delicious food and the BEST chocolate mouse I have ever had in my life!

A hand made lady bug and pearl bracelet for our sweet Veda...all hand picked stones and pearls...also very fairly priced.

All of the animal lovers in downtown Wilmington...beautiful pit bulls running up to you for loving, and animals in almost every store and pub in downtown wilmington.

Steamed oysters, steamed oysters, steamed oysters!!

Watching Seth Rogan film a movie in the middle of dock street...and watching all of the stalkers trying to zoom in for pics of him. He's funny, but he's just a person! I'll save my snap shots for my babies.

The Warfarer Delicatessen. Delicious overpriced sandwiches! Shane made love to his food.

The lovely Irish woman, Elan who works at the cotton exchange. Such a strong woman! Talking to her and listening to her stories about her family's struggles with cancer and all the miracles in between. Gave me goosebumps and touched my heart. Thank God for crossing paths and starting way more than casual conversations.

The Celtic store, and all of the Irish goodies Shane drooled over.

Sleeping in! At least until Louise wakes me up.

Having lots of time to actually do my hair and makeup! So different from my usual days of unbrushed hair and all day pajamas, typically covered in juice and chewed up food.

Having a reason to dress up nicely every day!

The duck n dive...and the unexpected live reggae band! So much fun!

A big enough bath tub for me AND Louise.

Beautiful warm weather and the rain holding off until the day we leave.

Raspberry lambic.

Finally getting home today and getting my arms around my babies!

And lastly...this love song and how it reminds me of the days in Wilmington with just me and Shane...completely and wildly in love and care free...

to my best friend...

And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

-Jack Johnson-

Dear Louise,


I got to thinking today about the way things used to be. You remember...when we were young and wild and free of any real responsibility. The only thing we had to do with complete perfection was love each other. And, lets be honest...in those days we both had times when we were TERRIBLE at that. But, I have to say, I have loved you from the very beginning. You didnt seem that much different from other guys, but my heart said that you were. And no matter what issue we faced, I just couldn't stay away from you...even when it hurt. We spent a good majority of our days at work and school, and our nights in bars. And we actually thought we had our lives all together!! I guess it is just a normal side effect of the college age...at least for us it was. I still think about God crossing our paths...the first time was not successful, for reasons I refuse to post for the public. And then the second time...an entire year later, it was like you were the only person that made sense. I know God does things for a reason, and even through all of our rough times, God has used each of us to make the other a better person. You know when I know that you TRULY loved me?? Remember that time, sitting at Old Chicagos, during one of your rough stages? And we were sitting there talking about everything...all those problems, the reason for our last break up. And I told you that I wanted to try things your way just one time...just to see what it was like. Ofcourse, I was completely bluffing just to get a response (im too much of a control freak for that). But, you got angry and worked up and in no way were you going to let me do that. You must have said no 100 times. That is when I realized just how much you loved me. You loved me too much to even let me think about doing it your way, even if it would have made your life easier without me nagging you and crying all the time. Thats when I realized that you cared more about me than you did about yourself. And that was also one of those times when God used me to make you a better person. I expected more out of you, I knew that you were capable of more, and I knew that person on the inside of you that others didnt...that person that loved with all his heart, and was loyal no matter the circumstance, and the person that would one day make the most amazing father. I knew that person, and I knew that the life we were living wasn't allowing that person to get out. But, anytime there is ever doubt that creeps up in my mind about us, I think about that night...that night when you told me how much you loved me without saying the words.


God knows what He's doing when he crosses paths, especially in our case. Fast forward about 4 and a half years, and here we are. Three beautiful little girls...and a marriage that has survived the stress of those three little darlings! I am sure the girls won't get any easier anytime soon, but our marriage continues to get stronger. I love the fact that we have a REAL marriage...the disagreements aren't hidden. They are out there for anyone to see. We don't pretend to have the perfect marriage...there are many days when you drive me absolutely crazy and I nag you to death! I love that God gives me the self control not to choke you sometimes. But, isn't that what a real marriage is? How would we ever grow without the disagreements? And how would we ever know each other if we just constantly swept everything under the rug and agreed on everything? Lord knows I have my flaws, and you handle them with grace. And your flaws (q-tips! mr. grumpy pants!) I try to handle with grace, but usually they are handled with nagging. Once again, you mostly handle that with grace. We will always remember the time our own pastor told me that I was lucky that anyone would want to marry me because I am such a control freak. Sure, it was funny at the time, but in my day dreams, I was taking shots of tequila. Just a few drinks, and I am no longer in control of anything...including myself! So, then everyone is happy, right? :) But, really...I know that I am so blessed to have you. You are the most amazing husband, especially when it really counts. When times are hard, you are my rock. And when someone offends me, I love the fact that you get upset about it. And I love your jealousy (even though you say you're not jealous) when there is no need to be jealous. But, it tells me that you care and you would probably kill anyone who pursued me...you are such a cave man. I love that about you.


The biggest thing I love about you is the fact that you are such an amazing father. Most men hope for a boy, and you are so happy and so proud to have 3 little girls. And they absolutely adore you! You can get down on their level, and have the giggles going for hours. And, even when you don't feel like it, you will get up in the middle of the night, change diapers, change wet bed sheets, help clean chocolate off of the walls, make bottles, clean dishes, do bath time (a well orchestrated event with 3 girls!) and somehow you still find the energy in your tired, work-worn body to make all of the girls think that the entire world revolves around them. You actually enjoy when Veda forces you into her room for "school time" and makes you sit and listen to her "read" books very loudly, with some random singing thrown in. And you will let her ride on your shoulders, even when you feel like your back is breaking...and shes slightly choking you. You are such a beautiful father and I know that if anything ever happened to me, our girls wouldn't miss a beat. There have been many days when you had to play the rolls of mom and dad, and you aced it every time...despite my constant worrying. You give our girls everything they need, and you sacrifice so much. This is what I love most about you. And the day I realized how much I really truly without a doubt could never live without you, was the first time I saw you hold Veda. You looked like a 3 year old with a new bubble gum machine (I'm sure right now you are picturing Veda's super excited face when the word gum is mentioned).


I am so glad that not just me, but now everyone gets to see and know that person on the inside of you...that person that loves with all his heart, and is loyal no matter the circumstance, and the person that has turned into the most amazing father. I'm looking forward to the rest of our lives together with exactly three children...no more!! :)


I love you so much Louise...thank you for putting up with me and making me so happy. Without you, I wouldnt have this life. I am looking forward to 80 more years with you.


Love, me

the o'neill dedication

On Sunday, January 15th, we dedicated all three of our girls to the Lord. Veda was never dedicated because Shane was gone for a good part of her first year of life and then my brother was diagnosed. So, there was never a definite time that I could be sure both of them could attend her dedication. So, we decided to dedicate her along with her baby sisters. It turned out to be such a beautiful dedication and we are so blessed to have the opportunity to give all of our girls to a God that can watch over and protect them even better than we can. While the dedication went off without a hitch, getting to that point was another story. I've seen so many dedications with calm parents and beautiful babies and I never realized all of the work that goes into it!!

I told Shane I felt like I was planning a wedding all over again. We had to find the PERFECT dresses. Mama and daddy took care of that just like they do everything...at the last minute! They picked out beautiful dresses, but they tore my nerves up by making me wait until the Friday before to see them! Fast forward to Saturday night and I realize...I FORGOT SHOES!! So, we make a late night trip to Wal mart. Do you think they have pretty white shoes in the middle of winter, or even frilly little socks...no!! Tights it is! Then there's a slideshow that I just absolutely have to have for the dedication. I spend almost 2 hours on it when the program shuts down. Do you think I saved my work?? Nope! At this point, I am ready to puke. So, we get the babies into bed late and then I go to work finishing the quilts that absolutely have to be done and given to the girls after the dedication. An hour later, I am finally in bed, not to sleep, but to completely start over with the slideshow. *sigh* By 1:00 a.m. I finally have the slideshow done and the dvd burned and I can FINALLY close my eyes. Yay!

But then, we wake up to the real work. Consider this the first wedding day. Feed the girls and do Veda's hair, but keep them all basically naked until right before its time to leave. White dresses equals a nightmare. And of course, 20 minutes before we have to leave, I am still not ready! I am a Serlick after all. I can start an hour early and somehow i will still be late. So, I call for reinforcements, aka Nora! I try to get dressed while Shane and Nora dress the babies, with specific instructions...no crawling, no juice, no snacks...just hold them the whole time! Amazingly, we had no stains on the dresses and both sides of the family made it to church on time. Yay! We get pictures taken, and then loralye's new cross necklace that was given to all the girls especially for this occasion gets tangled. It is passed around to 2 or 3 people to untangle before it is passed back to me. And what do I do? I end up breaking the chain! So, loralye has no necklace now...way to go mom.

All of this preparation comes down to 10 or 15 very special minutes. Like I said, the ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I finally have all three of my girls dedicated and we had a wonderful celebration with family, and friends that are just like family. I posted the strenuous slideshow below for you all to see. Hope you like it!

more than a resolution...an absolute promise!

2011 was an absolute blessing to me.  I got the oppurtunity to watch my three beautiful girls grow and thrive and become these amazing little people.  I absolutely can not get enough of them!  We saw the beginning, and the early end of a challenging deployment.  I am so blessed to have my hubby home, even if it did require a pretty invasive surgery and recovery.  I myself, had my first car accident (sorry ryan!), and my first TWO surgeries this year.  God absolutely challenged me this year, but I made it through...sanity in tact.  And I realized that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.  I was scared to death of raising 3 kids alone during a deployment, but God showed me that I am absolutely capable of doing things on my own. 

My new year's resolution for 2011 was to become a more prayerful wife and mother.  I have to say, I have stuck to that resolution, but I am still trying to improve on that.  I feel like I always have room to improve and help lead my children spiritually.  I plan to spend the next year becoming an even more prayerful wife and mother, even if i do already pray my way through most days.  "God, please help me not to go crazy; God, please give me patience with these kids; God, please don't let Veda wet the bed; God, please no more ear infections; God, please let the kids sleep until 8 this morning; God, please let Shane get off early; God, please make these diapers last!"  I think you get the point.  I literally pray all day.  But, like I said before, I have room for lots of improvement in my spiritual life.  Which brings me to 2012!

A lot of my close family and friends know that I have struggled with a spiritual battle all throughout 2011.  It has been a tough year emotionally with trying to cope with the loss of my brother and trying to grieve like i am "suposed" to, rather than avoid the thought all together.  Almost all people will deal with the loss of a loved one in their lifetime, and no matter the circumstance, it is never easy.  But, I have kept it no secret that I am angry with God that he took my brother.  I still have a loving relationship with God and I know that He is well equipped to handle my anger.  But, I have carried this for over a year.  I have sat at my brother's graveside and prayed and apologized for my anger and bitterness and promised that I would try my hardest to work on my heart and change things.  And I have heard Pastor Mark deliver a message, no doubt sent straight to his heart from God, to deal with that anger and bitterness and let it go.  And, I honestly have tried...I really have.  But, there never comes a time where things get easier.  There has never been a moment when I can sit and think about James and not feel all those questions creep up.  "Why take such a beautiful soul so soon?; Why put him through so much pain if You were just going to take him anyways?;  Why do people move on so fast?;  Why did I have to lose my lifelong best friend?;  Why do people say and do such hurtful things in the aftermath of something so tragic?"  Obviously I feel like some folks have moved on just too fast and too easily.  It really hurts and I find myself more heart broken rather than angry.  But, who am I to judge how someone grieves, or when is the right time for them to let go of someone that I will never be able to let go of or replace?  I can't make that decision for anybody and I honestly want people to be happy and carry on.  But, that bitterness creeps in and that hurt settles deep in my heart.  This has all compiled and made 2011 a very challenging year spiritually.  I am in the front lines of a battle and I know when all is said and done, I will have no more anger and bitterness and I can simply just thank God for giving James to us for 26 years and for ending his suffering.  But, I am not there yet. 

So, this is my resolution...no, my PROMISE, for 2012.  By december of this year, I promise to have all of this anger and bitterness out of my heart and out of my life.  I plan to look back on my years with James and just smile and not think of all of the negative things...and not to think of all the things that I feel have tainted his memory.  I promise to forgive all of those people that I feel have hurt me or said or done negative things or lied about things.  I will let God deal with their hearts, and I will protect my own heart and work on my own sins in the mean time.  By the end of this year, I want to talk to God and not question him.  I want to thank him for sharing an amazing person with us.  Because without God and his sacrifices, James may have never been born into this world, and I would never have the promise of seeing him again.  So, this is the big lesson I am teaching myself this year...it is completely natural to be angry and bitter, its human nature.  But, it is so much more fulfilling to let go of all of that.  And that is what this control freak plans to do...LET GO! 

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'
Lewis B. Smedes


"The smell of hospitals in winter,
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters...and no pearls."
Counting Crows