things i love today

Baby August's first little tooth! And the hope that Loralye will be far less cranky when her first finally comes in

The way veda says "mama, scratch me!" When she wants me to scratch her back

Our crazy kitty and the way she runs all over the house and attacks everyones feet

Breakfast for dinner

The Prunty diet

Homemade banana pudding, despite the fact that its not great for the Prunty diet

Having a husband that will do all of the chores that I hate (most of the time)

Picking up journaling again after a long hiatus

My love/hate relationship with p90x

My flower bed...even if it is a little pitiful

Chocolate milk

And the way my sweet babies love to smile and giggle at each other

Life with Siwwy

I have to admit...this is a post that I have been putting off for far too long.  But, my brother has really been on my heart more than usual lately.  So, I hope you will bear with me and hopefully take something from my public therapy session.

It has been just over six months since James passed away.  On the fifth of every month, I wake up with a heart that is heavier than usual.  It takes a little extra effort to get out of bed and greet Veda with an enthusiastic smile.  I spend many weekends wishing that instead of having some wonderful family time, I could instead be taking the strenuous trip up to winston salem just to see James.  Ofcourse, I am so happy that he is not suffering in a hospital anymore, but I just wish I could see him no matter the condition.  Veda and I listen to what I consider our "Siwwy mix" on the ipod when we do our baking.  What a wonderful feeling!  Every song makes me take a step back and just think of the person he was and the way he lived.  And by the time Veda and I have our goods in the oven, I finally have the comfort that I needed for the day. 

The last six months have been hard on everybody.   I think the only thing that has put us at peace is knowing that James is finally where he always deserved to be.  We have all had our bad days and then our worse days.  Then there are days when we can talk about him with smiles on our faces.  There are days when we call his cell phone just to hear his voice again, but its never long enough.  So, it usually requires a second call just to hear his voicemail one more time.  There are days when Veda goes through the list of people she wants to see, just to end with "mama, I wanna see Siwwy too."  Those are the days when I cry and re-explain that Siwwy is in heaven with Jesus and I miss him very much.  "Mama, I miss Siwwy too."  It is so sweet, but so heart breaking.  Through all of the grief, we have all tried to go back to the good memories.  The pre-leukemia memories.  The times that we want to hold on to and remember with a smile instead of tears.  Don't get me wrong, even when he was sick, he was still an amazing person to be around.  No matter how pale he got, he still kept those rosy cheeks.  And he was sarcastic and spiteful and stubborn as usual.  He was always enthusiastic about shaving off the remainder of his hair when it started to fall off...starting with a sweet mohawk.  And then later down the road he had what we called the "vinny from jersey shore hair" and we contemplated whether his bone marrow donor was black because he no longer had white boy hair.  And then there were his drug-induced dances and crazy comments and stories that always kept us laughing.  While we had some hilarious and loving times in the hospital, its still the pre-hospital memories that I long to remember.

One memory that has replayed in my head for the past few weeks has really reminded me of the amazing person my brother was, even when we were just kids.  We used to go to a babysitter's house after school until my parents got off of work.  One afternoon, we were in the back yard playing on a jungle gym that was probably about six feet tall.  James, being the rambunctious boy that he was, had climbed all the way to the top when he lost his balance.  He fell down and landed flat on his back.  After running inside and getting the babysitter, we were in the car headed to the ER with our parents leaving work to meet us there.  I was in the back seat with James laying across my lap.  He was breathing heavy and crying.  I was scared to death!  I was sobbing and rubbing his head and obviously not doing much to console him or make matters better.  In the middle of my uncontrollable sobs, he grabs my hands and in between his own sobs he keeps saying "Christa, its okay.  Please don't cry.  Its okay....im gonna be okay.  Don't cry."  He was in pain, and he was consoling me.  He had so much love for me, that in the middle of his crisis, he didn't want me to be upset.  Long story short, he ended up being just fine.  No broken bones or anything, just a hard fall. 

This story just shows the kind of man my brother was.  He was my (sometimes injured) shoulder to cry on, my rock through every battle, the one person who would tell me to shut up when I needed to bite my tongue, my constant source of positive feedback, my body guard, my very own stand up comedian, my guinea pig (like putting a towel around his neck to see how long he would last...he forgot to pinch me, so I didn't stop and he fainted), and he was the little boy who would play with my ken dolls while I played with Barbie just to keep me company.  My brother was my constant companion from birth all the way into adulthood. 

There are many days when I am flat out angry that he is no longer with us.  I feel like he was cheated out of a beautiful life and I feel like we were cheated to no longer be blessed with his presence.  I know God has His reasons, but I can't help but feel the way I do.  But, I am coming to the place in my heart where I can just be thankful for 26 years with such a beautiful person.  I can't imagine my life without having such an amazing big brother by my side.  James was so much to so many people and he had so much joy to give to others.  If I had to decide who was really the most cheated from James' death, it would have to be the people who never got the chance to meet him.

veda's blessing

too funny...

Picking strawberries

our tough little veda

So, April 26th was a heart pounding in your ears kind of day.  Our sweet Veda had surgery to remove an abnormal lymph node.  I am sure many parents have been through a scary experience like this, and it never gets any easier.  Everything started about a year ago when I noticed a swollen lymph node on my sweet girls neck.  It wasn't a big deal until it just would not go away.  After many trips to see our favorite doctor...Dr. Hoover (if you take your kids to goldsboro peds and you haven't seen him...see him!  All of our kids have been with him since birth and he's amazing!  Veda loves "doctuh hoovah".)  Okay...back to the story.  So, we kept an eye on this little lump for about a year until we just couldn't handle not knowing anymore!  So, our doc sent us to a surgeon in greenville.  Just the word surgeon makes me sick to my stomach.  We had an appointment the beginning of April and the surgeon thought it would be best to go ahead and remove the lymph node and have it tested.  I couldn't decide what made me more nervous...the fact that someone would be cutting my little girl open, the possibility of bad test results or the very very rare possibility that my sweet veda wouldn't wake up from anesthesia.  Yes I know...im a total freak and I worry about the craziest stuff.  My father reminds me at least weekly that I am totally out of my mind.  Whatever...im a mom!  Its only natural for me to worry.  So anyways, we scheduled the surgery and then tried to put it out of our minds for the next couple of weeks.

This is not Veda's first surgery.  For those of you who don't know, our sweet little monkey was born with gastroschisis; she was born with her intestines on the outside of her body.  We knew this before she was born and we knew it would require surgery.  We had months of waiting on this precious baby, knowing that she would be born with such a rough start.  After all was said and done, she was born and taken into surgery before I even got to see her.  Her surgery went well and we brought her home in less than three weeks.  She went through one more hospital stay and a few rough months after that, but then she was just like any other normal baby.  She now has what we lovingly call her "hundred thousand dollar belly button".  So, I said all of that to say this:  we have been down this road before.  And it honestly is just more scary the second time around.

So, April 25th came and Shane and I did not sleep at all.  This is totally normal for me, because I am a freak and I can lay there for hours thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong.  But Shane losing sleep?  This is NOT normal...so now im even more nervous.  After less than an hour of sleep, we wake up Veda at 4:30 in the morning.  She's noticeably tired, but very enthusiastic about being awake and in the car before the sun comes up.  Crazy kid.  So, a few hours later, she is sitting on my lap in a hospital bed with a belly full of medicine to help her relax.  And boy, was she relaxed!  It took her so much effort to keep her eyes open as she giggled and smiled at her new best friend Tara...the nurse who brought her snow white to watch while she waited.  Oh, what a saint!  And Veda would turn and look at me and giggle and then she lazily said "mamaaaa...I...lub...you...sooooooo...muchhhh."  It was pretty hilarious and super sweet.  Everything was running smoothly and then a doctor came and just picked her up, we gave her a quick kiss and she was carried back to the OR.  No tears, no fear, no nothing.  She went willingly without mommy and daddy.  I still don't know if I was proud or just plain sad.  So, then the breath holding began.  We barely made it to the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee finished before it was over.  We met with the surgeon who said everything went fine and she was doing wonderful.  Breathing again!  After what seemed like forever, we finally got to go back and see her.  She was still sleeping, which made me nervous again.  I prayed and prayed and prayed...so scared she wouldn't wake up!  But then she did, and we were nervous again, expecting her to freak out...especially since we were told that kids usually get scared when they wake up.  But, not our Veda!  She woke up, hacked a few times and then did what she does best...talked and talked some more.  No crying, no tantrums, no pulling tubes out.  She did amazing.  And she thought it was so cool that she had a face mask just like Uncle Siwwy used to have.  =( 

A few minutes, one popsicle and lots of prayers later, our sweet girl was back to putting smiles on everyone's face!