With so much going on lately, I've hardly had time to blog. And in all honesty...I have had one thing I've wanted to blog about, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The sole purpose of this blog is to get the bad things off my chest, and the good things into someone else's heart. I want my family to be connected to what goes on in this house as much as we are. That being said, this is one post which has the sole purpose of getting something bad off my chest, but I hope by the end, it will have put something good in someone's heart.
It has been over a year since August and Loralye were born. What a blessing...and what amazing babies! They are so smiley, and I swear they hardly give us any stress. I am sure that will change one day, but for now, I am basking in the blessing of the coolest babies ever. But, in this last year I have dealt with health issues caused by my twin pregnancy. I have been blessed to be able to conceive easily and to carry and birth babies without complications...I realize that a lot of women don't have it so easy. So, I daily remind myself that I am a very lucky woman...and I have 3 beautiful children. But, in so many words...carrying the twins pretty much jacked me up. I've been in pain for a year now. Usually dull, but there are days when it hurts to just move. I have had ultrasounds, seen 3 different doctors, and at this point, I still dont have any conclusion on exactly what it is that I have. The only thing that any doctor can agree on is surgery...the mommy parts have got to come out. We have tried every option to avoid this up until this point with no success. So, with seeing a specialist last week...we finally made the decision. I decided I don't want to be in pain anymore, and honestly i don't have TIME to be in pain!
So, here we are at this HUGE decision in life...a histerectomy. Just the sound of that word is hurtful. I'm only 26. Granted, Shane and I have always said no more children. But, a mother can't help but wonder...what if something were to happen to one of my girls? What if the only thing that would keep me going is another baby to love and hold? Obviously, you can never replace your children, but I believe sometimes parents need that to move on after a tragedy. I am not expecting a tragedy...I whole heartedly trust that God is taking full care of my girls. But, you never expect the unexpected. (This is the irrational, freaking out mommy side of me...can't you tell??) So, leaving Chapel Hill the other day, I had a reaction that I kind of thought would come, but I had already decided I wouldnt allow it. No breakdowns...this is what has to be done...I can't live in pain. Well, obviously my strong will didn't succeed...we no sooner got outside that I just burst into tears. Its one thing to make the decision to not have anymore kids, its another thing for your body to make that decision for you. Again, for all those women out there who cant have kids and want to punch me right now...I know that I am so blessed. I just feel as though I am now grieving such a beautiful time in my life.
Post surgery, this will be the end of that beautiful time in every mom's life. Being so pregnant you cant see your feet, paint your toes or shave properly. Feeling all those sweet little kicks and flips, that are sometimes painful but sweet nonetheless. The anxiety over getting everything perfect before the baby comes. Decorating a nursery to perfection, knowing that within a year it will be ruined. The anticipation of when your baby is finally going to make her enterance..."Please let it be today! I'm so tired. But wait...I'm too tired to give birth right now. Please let it be tomorrow!" And then there's labor, an awful yet beautiful experience. Home stretch...get through the pain and finally see your baby! The excitement with every centimeter and the support of your own personal cheerleading squad...including an amazing nurse. And then finally...the most beautiful moment...holding your baby for the first time. What a feeling! I dont care if you have the ugliest child on earth...in that second...that baby is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen! And the calmness they get as soon as you talk to them. They've been ripped from this safe little world into cold and bright lights (screaming the whole way out) and then as soon as you talk...that beautiful calmness sets over them and you find yourself so proud to be a mother. They trust that voice immediately.
These are all of the things that I cherished with my girls and these are all of the things I will miss. Such beautiful moments that turn into memories. I am not bitter about any of this...I mean, I wouldnt have this health condition if I had never been pregnant with the girls. So, it is somewhat of a blessing. I am just grieving the face that December 13, 2010 was officially the last time I will have been blessed with all these amazing things. As for now, I am enjoying every moment with my girls and thanking God that He entrusted them to me.
So, with surgery coming soon, please keep me in your prayers that things will go great with no complications...and it will fix the problem! As for me...I will still grieve for a short time...and then I will just thrive on the memories on three of the most beautiful times in my life.
