26

Dear siwwy,

I hope God tells you everything that is on my heart today, so you know how I feel and how much I am needing you today.  Let me start by saying that I am so thankful for another birthday.  So thankful to wake up to 3 beautiful girls and to feel like my life is meaningful every day because they are in it.  You taught me to feel this way...thankful.  Never again will I take the small things for granted...every breath is a blessing.  So, although I am thankful for my 26th year, I can't help but to be heart broken today. 

26 is a hard pill to swallow.  I have so many emotions that go along with this birthday.  Sadness, bitterness, guilt, anger, helplessness, and of course some happiness.  26 was your last birthday...a birthday spent in the hospital.  A birthday no doubt spent in pain and fatigue and questions of survival.  How unfair is that?  I know you would disagree with me, and you would be strong and say it was no big deal.  But, this is where my guilt comes in.  It's hard for me to "celebrate" 26.  I feel like you should be here with me...you should have celebrated 27 less than 2 weeks ago.  I so badly want you here with me...we all do.  I wish I could change things...go back and maybe we could have caught it earlier.  I know right now you would totally yell at me and tell me to be thankful and enjoy this birthday.  But, I can't help but to be bitter about it.  I feel wrong celebrating 26 when you deserved to greet your 26th with an amazingly HUGE celebration.  No doubt you got that huge celebration just a little over a month later.  And I am thankful for that and I am still finding peace in that. 

I feel like I am rambling and you would have already shut me up by now if you were here.  I just have all these emotions in my heart today and I have spent most of this weekend breaking down and then trying to suck it up.  I just wish I had you here today.  I miss you more than anyone can understand.  But, I am going to be thankful for the blessing of another birthday.  Even though 26 has become this awfully painful number to me, I will cherish it just like you did.  Through all the tears and heart ache that I will experience this birthday, I will cherish 26...and remember the 26 we had with you on this earth.  If I am blessed with another 26 years after this one, I will still never have the impact you had in half the time.  You changed so many lives for the better.  And that is why I love you. 

I hope you get all of this, because even though I am having a pity party today, I just need you to know that I love you and miss you.  And I would give anything to have you by my side...here at 26.