So, today I opened my journal to jot down a to-do list and I found a journal entry from last year. It was full of excitement, sadness, fear and anticipation. And it really brought me back to a place in my life where I had beautiful lives growing inside of me, but another life fighting to stay with us. I hope you all don't mind another public therapy session and the extreme spectrum of emotions I'm about to share with you.
September 15, 2010
I have been meaning to start journaling a lot more lately and today just happens to be the kick start. One of those rare days when I have the time and energy to actually sit and put my thoughts on paper.
Today has been a wonderful day. Veda and I had a great morning. We went to story time at the library and she seemed to really enjoy it. She was shy and she sucked her thumb the entire time! I'm sure if all of her friends had been there she would have been her normal, wild, uncontrollable self!
After the library, we went to see my OB. I am 25 weeks pregnant with TWO very special little girls! My pregnancy has gone pretty good so far. Both of the girls are perfectly healthy , which is not like my pregnancy with Veda. This has been my sickest pregnancy, but I have been feeling great the past 2 months. Lots of energy and lots of scary (but not serious) contractions! I couldn't he more excited about adding two more little girls to the O'Neill family. But, I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death some days. The idea of a toddler and two newborns is really overwhelming. I just hope that I am capable of being the mother that God expects me to be. I am also nervous for Veda. I love her so much and I don't want her to feel left out. Right now we spend every waking moment together. I don't ever want her to feel like she's on the back burner. But, I think she will be very excited about her baby sisters. She went to an ultrasound with me yesterday for the first time. She was SO quiet the whole time. And then, we saw Loralye's face and Veda yelled "I find you!!!" It was the cutest thing! Today was a checkup for a stupid pregnancy rash. I swear I have had every possible pregnancy symptom this time around! But, I suppose it is a small price to pay.
The rest of our afternoon was spent with shane. A quick lunch out and then...nap time! I LOVE nap time...peace and quiet! That's the reason why I actually have time to journal right now.
Things have been great with shane lately. He is a wonderful husband and he is so helpful when I'm struggling, but too stubborn to ask for help. I feel like we have a great marriage. It has been 5 years and we have definitely had our rough patches. Less committed couples would have jumped ship 4 years ago! But, despite all of the past struggles, I can't complain. He is a wonderful hubby and an award worthy father. he makes me very happy...and a little crazy sometimes. But, I suppose that is a normal side-effect of marriage.
As of yesterday, James was re-admitted to wake forest hospital. He will be starting another clinical trial on Monday. His leukemia cells have been doubling by the day, but he's still feeling okay as of right now. The past almost 18 months have been really hard on all of us. There have been a few ups and many, many downs. But, James' strength has never faltered. Obviously I give God and the doctors so much credit for how far he has come, but James deserves the most credit. He has such a strong will to live and he refuses to give up. He came very close to death about 2 months ago. I felt like I had prepared myself for that moment, but I don't think I'll ever be prepared. It's hard to imagine him fighting so hard, just to be taken away from us. I pray for him throughout my day, but I'm ashamed to say I try not to sit and just let go in prayer. I do everything I can to avoid the breakdown. I have cried and begged God so much over the past 16 months and I feel like its not getting us anywhere. I try not to ever sit still and just dwell on James. I know that seems awful, but my heart just breaks for him daily. I hate this helpless feeling. His life hasn't been anywhere close to normal in over a year and I know that he is so, so tired! I can't imagine what he must feel like, but I would take it all if I could. I just don't think its fair that he is the one that has to go through all of this. If he ever decided that he didn't want to fight anymore, I couldn't blame him. I would be heart broken, but I couldn't blame him for wanting all.of this to be over. As of right now, we are all just praying and gritting our teeth. Just waiting helplessly for this clinical trial--or something...ANYTHING to work and.put him in remission. The next 20 years still.wouldn't be enough time with him. I want all three of my girls to be able to meet him and grow up with him in their lives.
As for today, I am just thankful for every day and every breath. I'm thankful for my beautiful little Veda, who is always the highlight of my day. I'm thankful for my husband, who works so hard to take care of us. And I'm thankful that through the storm, God is still taking care of my family.
Looking forward to brighter days!
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