more than a resolution...an absolute promise!

2011 was an absolute blessing to me.  I got the oppurtunity to watch my three beautiful girls grow and thrive and become these amazing little people.  I absolutely can not get enough of them!  We saw the beginning, and the early end of a challenging deployment.  I am so blessed to have my hubby home, even if it did require a pretty invasive surgery and recovery.  I myself, had my first car accident (sorry ryan!), and my first TWO surgeries this year.  God absolutely challenged me this year, but I made it through...sanity in tact.  And I realized that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.  I was scared to death of raising 3 kids alone during a deployment, but God showed me that I am absolutely capable of doing things on my own. 

My new year's resolution for 2011 was to become a more prayerful wife and mother.  I have to say, I have stuck to that resolution, but I am still trying to improve on that.  I feel like I always have room to improve and help lead my children spiritually.  I plan to spend the next year becoming an even more prayerful wife and mother, even if i do already pray my way through most days.  "God, please help me not to go crazy; God, please give me patience with these kids; God, please don't let Veda wet the bed; God, please no more ear infections; God, please let the kids sleep until 8 this morning; God, please let Shane get off early; God, please make these diapers last!"  I think you get the point.  I literally pray all day.  But, like I said before, I have room for lots of improvement in my spiritual life.  Which brings me to 2012!

A lot of my close family and friends know that I have struggled with a spiritual battle all throughout 2011.  It has been a tough year emotionally with trying to cope with the loss of my brother and trying to grieve like i am "suposed" to, rather than avoid the thought all together.  Almost all people will deal with the loss of a loved one in their lifetime, and no matter the circumstance, it is never easy.  But, I have kept it no secret that I am angry with God that he took my brother.  I still have a loving relationship with God and I know that He is well equipped to handle my anger.  But, I have carried this for over a year.  I have sat at my brother's graveside and prayed and apologized for my anger and bitterness and promised that I would try my hardest to work on my heart and change things.  And I have heard Pastor Mark deliver a message, no doubt sent straight to his heart from God, to deal with that anger and bitterness and let it go.  And, I honestly have tried...I really have.  But, there never comes a time where things get easier.  There has never been a moment when I can sit and think about James and not feel all those questions creep up.  "Why take such a beautiful soul so soon?; Why put him through so much pain if You were just going to take him anyways?;  Why do people move on so fast?;  Why did I have to lose my lifelong best friend?;  Why do people say and do such hurtful things in the aftermath of something so tragic?"  Obviously I feel like some folks have moved on just too fast and too easily.  It really hurts and I find myself more heart broken rather than angry.  But, who am I to judge how someone grieves, or when is the right time for them to let go of someone that I will never be able to let go of or replace?  I can't make that decision for anybody and I honestly want people to be happy and carry on.  But, that bitterness creeps in and that hurt settles deep in my heart.  This has all compiled and made 2011 a very challenging year spiritually.  I am in the front lines of a battle and I know when all is said and done, I will have no more anger and bitterness and I can simply just thank God for giving James to us for 26 years and for ending his suffering.  But, I am not there yet. 

So, this is my resolution...no, my PROMISE, for 2012.  By december of this year, I promise to have all of this anger and bitterness out of my heart and out of my life.  I plan to look back on my years with James and just smile and not think of all of the negative things...and not to think of all the things that I feel have tainted his memory.  I promise to forgive all of those people that I feel have hurt me or said or done negative things or lied about things.  I will let God deal with their hearts, and I will protect my own heart and work on my own sins in the mean time.  By the end of this year, I want to talk to God and not question him.  I want to thank him for sharing an amazing person with us.  Because without God and his sacrifices, James may have never been born into this world, and I would never have the promise of seeing him again.  So, this is the big lesson I am teaching myself this year...it is completely natural to be angry and bitter, its human nature.  But, it is so much more fulfilling to let go of all of that.  And that is what this control freak plans to do...LET GO! 

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'
Lewis B. Smedes


"The smell of hospitals in winter,
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters...and no pearls."
Counting Crows

Happy 1st Birthday Auggie and LJ!!

Dear August,


Happy birthday to my sweet, busy little girl!  I can't explain how fast this year has gone by.  I can not believe how big you are!  You are ALL over the place.  So busy trying to walk, cruising all over the house...usually at Loralye's expense.  Most days, you are using a chair, or Veda's little table as a walker...running your sister over on a regular basis.  I knew even during my pregnancy that you were a much more dominant personality than your relaxed, quiet little sister.  You are also a big fan of stealing LJ's bottles, tackling her and grabbing her little chubby face.  Every time we tell you "no no" and do the sign language, you just chuckle at us with that belly laugh...in other words saying "haha...yeah right...I am way too cute for that!"  You are slowly trying to walk, but you stand and think about it, giggle and then sit back down.  But, it certainly won't be long!!  You are always so busy, rushing along to the next milestone.  And you typically spend a good amount of "nap time" in your crib, practicing your new talents. 

As you have grown, the entire family has noticed something VERY special about you.  When you and your sister were first born, LJ looked so much like your Uncle Siwwy to us.  But, as you both have grown over the past year, you have become his spitting image!  It is absolutely crazy how much you look like him.  Sometimes, I just sit and stare at you because its just like he is looking right back at me.  It is such a comfort and its something so special that only you have.  There are many times you give me that mean mug look and all i can do is giggle and say "okay auggie, quit giving me that James face!"  And you seem to mimic his personality as well...you challenge me daily!  You are my more stubborn child, and you do what you want, when you want...much like your big sissy Veda! 

You have been such a blessing to your daddy and I.  You constantly keep us laughing and on our toes.  The O'Neill house would be much too quiet without your wild personality in the house.  I am so thankful for you and all of the joy you have brought to me over the past year.  I can not wait to see where your funny little ways will take us over the next year!  I love you so much sugar bear!



Dear Loralye,
Happy Birthday my rosy-cheeked little girl!  I can't believe how far you have come in the past year.  Your delivery and the first 2 weeks of your life were tough on all of us!  A horrible birth experience, with a broken collar bone and re-hospitalization because of jaundice.  For the first 3 weeks, we could tell you and your sister apart because you were completely bruised from the neck down.  :(  I felt so awful for you...and guilt over the fact that I was the one who chose that delivery for you, without knowing it would have been that bad.  I have to admit, I tend to baby you more than your other sisters, because I feel like you are so fragile.  You tend to get a few more cuddles from me, mostly because you are EXTRA cuddly, but also because you are my tender-hearted, sweet little baby.  While August is so much like your big sissy, you are quite the opposite.  You are so laid back and quiet.  And you let the girls poke at you and sometimes literally walk all over you.  And rather than fight back, you usually come crawling to me crying because Auggie has, once again, stolen your bottle.  You love to just sit and cuddle more than anything...and I love it!  You have the best little cuddles and the most kissable little cheeks!!  While Auggie would much rather be crawling all over the house, biting fingers and yelling babbles from her crib, you would prefer to sit and cuddle quietly...or sleep through sissy's babbles. 

You have always been a little bit behind August when it comes to physical milestones, but that's just another thing that makes you special.  You take your time, worry mommy to death and then all of a sudden, you just catch up and its like you never got behind!  Right now you are standing and trying to walk, just like Auggie...and you are getting very good at it...very quickly!  I have to say, my favorite thing about you physically is that little gap between your 2 front teeth.  It is SO CUTE!!!  Every time you giggle, I have to giggle back because of that sweet little gap...just like your daddy's! 

While you are the baby of the family, I have a feeling you are going to be the most mature of all the girls.  You are so smart, and I think your relaxed little personality will give you plenty of time to take in the world around you and learn a lot.  Daddy and I talk about your sweet little personality all the time.  We are so thankful to finally have a calm one in the family!  I am looking forward to watching you grow, and just sitting on the couch with you while we just giggle and shake our heads at your crazy sisters!  I love you sweet cheeks.


I love both of you girls so much!  I always had my life planned out a certain way, and I never even considered the possibility of having twins!  But, I am SO SO BLESSED that God decided differently.  My life would be incomplete without both of you.  You have helped mommy through a tough year and you have continued to teach me what love is all about and how important every single moment is.  I cherish and thank God for every breath you take.  You are amazing girls and I hope that both of you and your big sissy grow up to be the best of friends.  I would say I can't wait to watch you grow up, but I can.  I really CAN wait!  This year has gone by so fast, and my biggest prayer is just that time can slow down and I can really soak in every aspect of your lives.  Happy birthday girls!  Mommy loves you. 

jack and jill went up the hill

part 1

                                      




                                                                        part 2

     

missing louise...

26

Dear siwwy,

I hope God tells you everything that is on my heart today, so you know how I feel and how much I am needing you today.  Let me start by saying that I am so thankful for another birthday.  So thankful to wake up to 3 beautiful girls and to feel like my life is meaningful every day because they are in it.  You taught me to feel this way...thankful.  Never again will I take the small things for granted...every breath is a blessing.  So, although I am thankful for my 26th year, I can't help but to be heart broken today. 

26 is a hard pill to swallow.  I have so many emotions that go along with this birthday.  Sadness, bitterness, guilt, anger, helplessness, and of course some happiness.  26 was your last birthday...a birthday spent in the hospital.  A birthday no doubt spent in pain and fatigue and questions of survival.  How unfair is that?  I know you would disagree with me, and you would be strong and say it was no big deal.  But, this is where my guilt comes in.  It's hard for me to "celebrate" 26.  I feel like you should be here with me...you should have celebrated 27 less than 2 weeks ago.  I so badly want you here with me...we all do.  I wish I could change things...go back and maybe we could have caught it earlier.  I know right now you would totally yell at me and tell me to be thankful and enjoy this birthday.  But, I can't help but to be bitter about it.  I feel wrong celebrating 26 when you deserved to greet your 26th with an amazingly HUGE celebration.  No doubt you got that huge celebration just a little over a month later.  And I am thankful for that and I am still finding peace in that. 

I feel like I am rambling and you would have already shut me up by now if you were here.  I just have all these emotions in my heart today and I have spent most of this weekend breaking down and then trying to suck it up.  I just wish I had you here today.  I miss you more than anyone can understand.  But, I am going to be thankful for the blessing of another birthday.  Even though 26 has become this awfully painful number to me, I will cherish it just like you did.  Through all the tears and heart ache that I will experience this birthday, I will cherish 26...and remember the 26 we had with you on this earth.  If I am blessed with another 26 years after this one, I will still never have the impact you had in half the time.  You changed so many lives for the better.  And that is why I love you. 

I hope you get all of this, because even though I am having a pity party today, I just need you to know that I love you and miss you.  And I would give anything to have you by my side...here at 26.