more than a resolution...an absolute promise!

2011 was an absolute blessing to me.  I got the oppurtunity to watch my three beautiful girls grow and thrive and become these amazing little people.  I absolutely can not get enough of them!  We saw the beginning, and the early end of a challenging deployment.  I am so blessed to have my hubby home, even if it did require a pretty invasive surgery and recovery.  I myself, had my first car accident (sorry ryan!), and my first TWO surgeries this year.  God absolutely challenged me this year, but I made it through...sanity in tact.  And I realized that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.  I was scared to death of raising 3 kids alone during a deployment, but God showed me that I am absolutely capable of doing things on my own. 

My new year's resolution for 2011 was to become a more prayerful wife and mother.  I have to say, I have stuck to that resolution, but I am still trying to improve on that.  I feel like I always have room to improve and help lead my children spiritually.  I plan to spend the next year becoming an even more prayerful wife and mother, even if i do already pray my way through most days.  "God, please help me not to go crazy; God, please give me patience with these kids; God, please don't let Veda wet the bed; God, please no more ear infections; God, please let the kids sleep until 8 this morning; God, please let Shane get off early; God, please make these diapers last!"  I think you get the point.  I literally pray all day.  But, like I said before, I have room for lots of improvement in my spiritual life.  Which brings me to 2012!

A lot of my close family and friends know that I have struggled with a spiritual battle all throughout 2011.  It has been a tough year emotionally with trying to cope with the loss of my brother and trying to grieve like i am "suposed" to, rather than avoid the thought all together.  Almost all people will deal with the loss of a loved one in their lifetime, and no matter the circumstance, it is never easy.  But, I have kept it no secret that I am angry with God that he took my brother.  I still have a loving relationship with God and I know that He is well equipped to handle my anger.  But, I have carried this for over a year.  I have sat at my brother's graveside and prayed and apologized for my anger and bitterness and promised that I would try my hardest to work on my heart and change things.  And I have heard Pastor Mark deliver a message, no doubt sent straight to his heart from God, to deal with that anger and bitterness and let it go.  And, I honestly have tried...I really have.  But, there never comes a time where things get easier.  There has never been a moment when I can sit and think about James and not feel all those questions creep up.  "Why take such a beautiful soul so soon?; Why put him through so much pain if You were just going to take him anyways?;  Why do people move on so fast?;  Why did I have to lose my lifelong best friend?;  Why do people say and do such hurtful things in the aftermath of something so tragic?"  Obviously I feel like some folks have moved on just too fast and too easily.  It really hurts and I find myself more heart broken rather than angry.  But, who am I to judge how someone grieves, or when is the right time for them to let go of someone that I will never be able to let go of or replace?  I can't make that decision for anybody and I honestly want people to be happy and carry on.  But, that bitterness creeps in and that hurt settles deep in my heart.  This has all compiled and made 2011 a very challenging year spiritually.  I am in the front lines of a battle and I know when all is said and done, I will have no more anger and bitterness and I can simply just thank God for giving James to us for 26 years and for ending his suffering.  But, I am not there yet. 

So, this is my resolution...no, my PROMISE, for 2012.  By december of this year, I promise to have all of this anger and bitterness out of my heart and out of my life.  I plan to look back on my years with James and just smile and not think of all of the negative things...and not to think of all the things that I feel have tainted his memory.  I promise to forgive all of those people that I feel have hurt me or said or done negative things or lied about things.  I will let God deal with their hearts, and I will protect my own heart and work on my own sins in the mean time.  By the end of this year, I want to talk to God and not question him.  I want to thank him for sharing an amazing person with us.  Because without God and his sacrifices, James may have never been born into this world, and I would never have the promise of seeing him again.  So, this is the big lesson I am teaching myself this year...it is completely natural to be angry and bitter, its human nature.  But, it is so much more fulfilling to let go of all of that.  And that is what this control freak plans to do...LET GO! 

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'
Lewis B. Smedes


"The smell of hospitals in winter,
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters...and no pearls."
Counting Crows